Criticism. All of us have experienced being criticized in some form or fashion. Be it a tone, a look, tense body language or an assault of words that cause us to shut up, or shut down and feel downright bad. Many people believe that criticism is a motivator and a type of coaching that will propel the intended target to bigger and better heights. Some just use it for what it is. A soul-crushing spirit killer, causing the intended victim to question their ability to think and act in their own best interest.
Do people understand what they are doing to others when they criticize? Many do not. Most people are simply regurgitating what they have learned from their parents and from their parent’s parents. These are called—beliefs. Beliefs are ideas that we have adopted as truth, never mind they might be totally false. However, once you believe something, you tend to believe that others would be better off if they believed and performed their lives the same way you do. When that doesn’t happen, criticizing is the next best thing to a beat-down.
Before we go much further, let’s differentiate between criticism and constructive feedback.
Leadership expert, John Maxwell has a few tips on separating the two.
1. Who is the information coming from? Someone who is wise, experienced, and successful? Or is it a person who isn’t all that and a bag of chips?
2. What is the tone in which the information is delivered? You can feel the other person’s intent. Is it demeaning and hurtful or caring and generous? Even through syrupy sweet sentences, you can feel the fingers of ill intent around your throat!
3. What were the extenuating circumstances when the criticism occurred? Was the criticizer under duress or pressure? Maxwell states, “Hurting people hurt people.”
Once you have figured out if it was constructive criticism or not then you can decide what to do with the information. I don’t believe there is such a thing as constructive criticism. My belief is, it’s either criticism meant to sway you to another way of being and thinking (theirs), or constructive feedback, meant to lift you up and help you along YOUR path, whether others agree with you or not!
If it’s criticism here are the top 3 things to remember before you decide if you’re defective.
1. We are conditioned from childhood to recoil from disapproval from others. We had to take heed or there would be punishment. Remember you are now the adult in control of your life. You won’t be sent to bed without dinner or grounded for two weeks without phone privileges.
2. It’s a perfect opportunity to see where you are leaking power and are vulnerable to manipulators. Give yourself permission to fail and then take a look at what you believe about your ability to successfully manage your own life. Remember, beliefs are something WE have decided is true. Many times, they are not!
3. I would say feel sorry for the person who is criticizing you, but I know that I still on occasion want to slap the snot out of them. So just recognize the source and remember that in order for criticism to affect us we must believe that the critical person is smarter, wiser, more successful, more talented, more—something than we are. So Snap Out of It!
It’s not likely that you will feel great when receiving criticism, but you can see it for what it really is while you are shoring up your own insecurities that criticism exposes and inflames. And, if there is something constructive that you can walk away with, that’s even better!
Comments 1
Love it! You do speak the truth girl!
I think this, criticism, is one of the hardest issues we all face. There are few of us who grew up in a family that did not criticize us as a way of ‘teaching’ us how to BE in the world. As a parent myself, I can say that if I had the opportunity to do it all over again, I would not be so strict, critical or condemning. Parenting is a huge responsibility and it is important to teach our children how to be responsible citizens, etc. however, it should never overshadow our love for our children.
Criticism from another (read: stranger) is just WRONG, on so many levels. I’m no Bible thumper (far from it), but there is one sentence in there that I like, “judge not that you be not judged!” Perhaps when we judge or criticize another we are just reminding ourselves of something within our own personality that needs to be corrected, something we do not like about ourselves…food for thought.
DeDe, you impart to those with eyes to read, ears to hear, and minds to ponder, what we all need to know to be a better “me/us” and personally, I hope you continue to be a light in a forest of confusion…I believe that is your purpose!
Your devoted fan/friend.